I Remember That Day — November 10, 2023
I remember that day so clearly.
November 10th, 2023.
I kept repeating one thing to myself: “I want to heal.”
But what was I actually doing to heal? Honestly… I didn’t know.
I was just angry. Deeply frustrated.
Especially at my tremors — they were ruining me.
I used to think that doing one hour of physiotherapy a day would somehow be enough. I was living in complete ignorance. I didn’t really understand what healing truly meant.
I was like a newborn baby — crying all the time, restless, wanting everything right away.
That mindset was exhausting me. I had no gratitude for what I still had.
But healing doesn’t work that way. I only learned that much later.
Back then, I also didn’t know I had cerebellar atrophy.
I believed everything was “just psychological” and that one day I would simply snap out of it. I blamed myself constantly. I put so much pressure on myself — as if pressure alone could magically fix me.
But of course, it didn’t.
It only made me feel worse.
My tremors — the very thing I hated the most — kept getting worse.
I still remember trying to write that one note I once showed you a picture of… it took me so long to write it clearly. Every word demanded such an effort. I was so fixated on my hands.
I found an old journal entry on that day. It said:
"Today, I worked with my physiotherapist on arm and hand exercises. But I’m not really in the mood. I just practiced hand movements and played with Legos."
That day, my therapist had asked me:
"Write down the biggest problems you’re having with your hands. We’ll work on them together."
And this is what I had written:
- Pumping water from a large water dispenser
- Drinking from a small coffee cup
- Typing quickly on the keyboard
- Washing my face without my hands shaking
- Handling slippery things like soap — I lose control easily
- Turning pages — very difficult
- Eating when I’m tired — my hands shake badly
Now when I read this list… can you believe it?
I can do every single one of those things now.
It took me a long time to reach this point.
I had to learn a lot.
I had to accept a lot.
And I worked so, so hard.
Every day, I pushed through with sheer determination.
I kept saying: “I will overcome this.”
"Healing is not about going back to who you were. It’s about becoming someone stronger than you ever imagined."
And today… here I am:
- I can pump water from a dispenser
- I can hold a coffee cup easily
- I can type quickly
- I can wash my face without fear
- I can use soap
- I can turn pages
- I can eat with ease — even when tired
When I think back to those early days, I can’t even blame myself.
Because when you don’t know what you’re facing, everything seems dark.
But now — things are different.
Now I can see my progress.
And I know, deep in my heart, that I will continue to get even better.
One day soon, I know I will write here:
“I’m doing great. Everything is behind me.”
And I truly believe — that day is coming.
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