The 14 Habits That Destroyed Me — And What Illness Taught Me

Before healing, there was destruction.

I didn’t get sick overnight. My illness was years in the making — built on unhealthy patterns I thought were normal. For a long time, I ignored my body, silenced my emotions, and ran away from myself.

But life forced me to pause.

This is the raw truth of the habits that broke me — and the lessons I learned on my way back to health.

I had bad habits. I was depressed all the time. I never loved myself.

Let’s look at my mistakes and how I am now:

1.I was sleeping very poorly.

I used to go to bed late and wake up early. I was usually sleeping 5-6 hours. I would wake up feeling very tired, and the sleep was never enough.

Now: My sleep is very regular now. Even if I go to bed a bit late, like around midnight, I still sleep for about 10 hours. At worst, I get 8 hours of sleep. So I usually sleep 8 to 10 hours and wake up feeling rested.

To sleep better, I meditate before bed. I completely cut off blue light. I also take melatonin.

2.I can’t say I exercised much.

I would go for 2-3 months, satisfy my enthusiasm, and stop once I felt my body was fit enough.

Now: I exercise regularly now. Since I need to do physical therapy, I’m kind of obligated anyway. But I feel so good when I exercise. Even when I don’t have physical therapy sessions, I still work out a lot on my own.

I try to do strength training, walking, pilates, yoga — everything. Movement has become one of the most essential things for me.

3.I didn’t like the sun.

I would avoid it whenever I saw it. I was always wearing a hat and sunglasses. At home, I would keep the curtains closed.

Now: I’ve learned how important the sun is. It’s especially a crucial source for vitamin D. It also helps heal the mitochondria and provides energy. The sun is something that heals the body. Avoiding it is a big mistake.

I feel so good when I get sunlight now. I even stopped using sunscreen. Every morning, I get sunlight regularly. I also try to get some sun exposure in the evenings.

I don’t go out when it’s too hot around noon, but I always try to stay in environments where I can get natural sunlight.

4.I let myself be consumed by sugar.

I could never say no to sweets. And after eating them, I would feel a deep sense of guilt. I kept putting myself on restrictive diets.

Now: I’ve learned how harmful sugar — or carbohydrates — are for me. I can say I learned this through experience. When I cut carbs, even including rice, I feel better, more energetic, and healthier. My gut health has also improved.

Sugar makes you addicted. Back when I used to eat sugar, I was constantly thinking about food, but now it’s not like that. I only eat when I’m actually hungry. My addiction is gone, and my brain health is much better.

5.I was constantly counting calories.

Most of the time, I was on a diet. I kept following restrictive diets. I counted everything I ate and ate very little. That’s why my immune system was very weak.

Now: I no longer count calories or follow restrictive diets. I give my body what it needs. I don’t starve myself because I need energy.

I only focus on eating organic food and practicing intermittent fasting, because this way is much healthier.

6.I was constantly working.

I was doing two jobs at the same time. I was very ambitious. I worked seven days a week, sometimes even at night. I was obsessed with work.

Now: My current situation isn’t very suitable for working. I can’t take a full-time job because my treatment is still ongoing. So I don’t have much to say about that. But I keep writing my blog and sharing what I do on social media. It feels like a fun kind of work for me.

I do it simply to share my experience and reach good people, without getting too caught up in it.

7.I wasn’t making time for myself.

Even when I had free time, I would either find something to work on, find something to worry about, or start cleaning.

Now: Partly because I have more free time now, I can fully dedicate time to myself. I have time for my hobbies, and I can do the things I enjoy. I’m able to enjoy life. For example, I can go out to the garden and read a book, or I can play video games. In the past, these things felt like a waste of time.

But now I know how much my mind and body need them, and I act accordingly.

8.I was living in isolation.

I wouldn’t say I was very antisocial, but I didn’t really enjoy interacting with people. I was mostly introverted.

Now: After my illness, my social circle became smaller. Some people distanced themselves, and I was left a bit alone. That’s why I mostly spend time with my close family now. You could say I see very few people. But I’m more open than before to meeting people, going out, and being in crowds.

Sometimes it still feels strange to be outside because people can stare at me — at my walking, for example — and that can upset me. But I feel much more comfortable now. Social media used to make me very anxious, but not anymore.

Now I can express myself easily. It used to be hard for me to even show my face; I was embarrassed. But not anymore. I even stream on Twitch now.

9.I had bad habits.

From time to time, I smoked — sometimes cigarettes, sometimes cigarillos. And I would also drink alcohol.

Now: I’ve completely quit all bad habits. The smell of cigarettes even bothers me now.

I wasn’t drinking much alcohol before, but now I’ve completely cut it out. Because it kills cells — especially brain cells — I never want to consume it.

10.I wasn’t spending much time in nature.

I was disconnected from my essence. I had gotten so used to being drowned in city life.

Now: I can say that I’ve completely returned to nature now. Since our house has a garden, I spend time there. I have flowers, and I spend time with them. When we have time, we go and visit beautiful places — places surrounded by nature. I take vacations, I ground myself, I hug trees.

I really want to grow and plant things too, but I haven’t done that yet. Hopefully, I will.

Nature truly heals people. Once, I went to a place surrounded by very high mountains. I felt so good there. Of course, there was a lot of oxygen, and because of that, even my balance was much better. Nature truly heals.

11.I was hoping therapists could save me.

I kept going to psychiatrists and psychologists, but none of them could help, because the real problem was inside me.

By the way, I don’t want to overlook the great help I received from therapists. It’s just that I was seeing too many of them, and since I never followed their advice, getting help became pointless.

Now: I’m still seeing a therapist because I take medication and need to be monitored. This time, my therapist’s approach is different — it’s Jungian. We work on my subconscious, and it really helps me a lot. I feel very good.

I go every two weeks now, and I’m consistent with it. Having therapy is very valuable. It’s something everyone needs nowadays.

12.I never rested.

I was constantly tired, yet I kept pushing myself to exhaustion.

Now: I think my illness was also a way of telling me: “Stop, rest now.” I never knew how to rest before. But now, since I listen carefully to my body’s signals, I know exactly when I need to rest.

When I’m tired, I don’t force myself. Since I get enough sleep, I rest properly and keep my energy up.

13.I was obsessed with housework and cleaning.

I had a strong fixation on cleanliness. I was constantly organizing and washing everything. Every morning when I woke up, I would clean the house.

Now: In the early stages of my illness, my mobility wasn’t good, so it was impossible for me to do housework. But as I got better over time, I adapted to doing housework too, because it’s part of life. For example, I sometimes do simple tasks like clearing the table, washing the dishes, or vacuuming my room.

But I no longer obsess like I used to — like thinking “this is messy” or “that’s dirty, I must clean it right away.”Those obsessions are gone.

14.I wasn’t showing myself any self-compassion.

Whenever I made a mistake, I would blame myself harshly.

Now: I can say that I’ve learned how to be compassionate toward myself. Reading Kristin Neff’s book on self-compassion helped me a lot. I also took a compassion-focused mindfulness course.

With all of this, even though it was difficult, I’ve learned to love myself and to feel compassion for myself. Of course, I still have moments when I feel bad, when I can’t feel compassion and get angry at myself — but I’m doing much better.

This illness taught me valuable lessons from my mistakes. Today, I can say I’m stronger, I’m becoming the best version of myself, and I’m fully committed to the path ahead.